Questions from the Messed-up Heart


Why do we need to fall in love if it brings nothing but pain?

If it brings heavy weight to carry?

If it leads to late nights of crying and tears?

If it locks us in a cage of hidden feelings and darkness?

Why do we need to fall in love and be broken?

To be torn?

To be hurt?

To be alone?

Why do we need to fall in love with the person who can never love us back?

And believe at things which ain’t true?

And look at the most impossible possibilities?

And think of chances that will never ever come?

Why do we need to fall in love for no good reason?

Why?

Why to fall for nothing?


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Scatter it, Eyes


There are times when I come home and the sky is dark, gloomy as me, the place is quite. I would change my clothes and then leave my school works undone, I would lay in my bed and think of nothing, empty. Though I make everything alright, I still feel so heavy inside like I’m carrying an unknown burden.

Then my mind will start to play past memories that would make me smile, laugh a little, and whisper something slow to my pillow. And he’s appearance would flash fast, and I’ll be quite again, my heart would beat so fast, and my breath will experience shortage. As he entered, my mind would ask a lot of whys , “ Why do I have to met you? ” “Why Am I like this. And why are you like that? ” “Why I can’t tell you about my bleeding self? ” And I would get no replies, no certain answers.

He’s just my dream and I’m only a dreamer, maybe he exist but for him I don’t, maybe he’s just a fiction, or maybe he’s just part my imaginations. I don’t want to be realistic, I don’t want to tell myself and God that one day I’ll forget about him, that one day I’ll let him and my feelings go ’cause I honestly don’t want to do that. But it’s a sad reality that today I’m broken, and tomorrow I’ll fall in love again with a stranger, and that person is not him anymore.

At the moment, I feel so torn inside but I’m frost. Nothing comes out in my eyes, no tears. I want to express my pain but how if I can’t cry. I really can’t. The weight inside me is trapped, it don’t want to show, it don’t want to leave me.

This ain’t a fairytale. No, this isn’t. I’m just hopeless. I’m just a fragile and broken glass.

So Scatter it, eyes.


To Mr. Wanderer


It’s 9:00 , I don’t know why I’m writing this for you but I’ll continue. I only want to say that I’m listening to music and yes, they’re about heartbreaks same to what I feel right now. 9:00 PM, the rain is falling, my heart is in ache, I’m scattering tears, I’m crying, and it’s because of you. Well, I’m not blaming you either ’cause I know that it’s all my fault and I’m the blameworthy in here not you, absolutely not.

I’m hiding my eyes from them, hoping not to be seen, not to be caught. But later, once the lights are out and they are asleep, I’ll burst again like what happened to me the last night. Your name will echo again in my mind over and over. My pillow will be soaked again. And my nighttime will be taken by sadness.

I don’t know why it is like this. I honestly don’t. I know I’m still too young but I feel so messed up, I feel so vain, so trap. I feel the same emotion when I stare at your pictures. Why would I dream of a person who don’t even know me? Why would I fall in love with someone who can never love me back? I know, I know that nobody will love me though. I’m unworthy.

I once wished that you could also feel what I feel, that you could realize my pain, that you could get yourself in this extreme sadness of mine. And that won’t happen. Never ever.

I wrote a lot already and I won’t stop ’til I got tired, ’til I know I’m empty, and ready to let you go. I hope one day you can read them for me. I hope one day you’ll do.

But let me be happy for you instead. I heard you’re in Hong Kong today, and I know you’re enjoying your moments there. Fulfill yourself, okay? And I will always be around as someone whom you don’t know. Someone who truly cares… Mr. Wanderer.


Lunacy


You’re my smiles and you’re my tears.

You’re my laughs and you’re my shouts.

You’re my happiness and you’re my sadness.

By contradictions.

You’ve been a sweet honesty,

But all that, turned into perfectly pretty, beautiful lies.

You came as I was in emptiness but you left me alone, still trap darkness.

And now I’m Insane…

And you’re my insanity.

Yet you don’t know.


Incarcerated


You’re screaming but they can’t hear.

You’re drowning but they can’t descry.

With people in hideous,

No one cares about your tears.

No one cares about your cries.

No one cares about your pain.

Only you and you can save yourself away from that distress.

Solitarily.


Life, Achievements, and Look-Ups | 5th Blogging Monthsary


Helllooo Sweet People !

How’s Life ?

Well, if it’s good then I’m very much glad but if it’s bad then I think, you should convert that to happiness. Okay ?

Look what I do guys, I cheer you all up but I can’t even cheer myself but anyway, it’s just fine for me, I’d rather take time motivating others than taking value of myself. I was only damn stressed lately because of school ( huh ! Why do I keep on blaming school ? 😂 ), our teachers gives us a lot of assignments, reportings, presentations, that makes me sleep late at night most of the time and then people will say that it’s easy to be a student, who told them that ? Right ? But at least the first month is gone.

There are some points that my classmates become depressed when they stand in front and the situation is really pathetic, I mean even me I become depressed sometimes but that’s a part though and I know my roles so I’m here to play. 🙂

Well, allow me to tell y’all this. Something unpleasant happened, lately I feel like some of my classmates whom I almost treated as friends are back-stabbing me and I guess, I’m right. I was so dissed and the reason why I got into an over-thinking is because it seems like they never realized all the help I gave them. I’m their source of answers about our assignments, quizes, and even exams, well I think all of my help are countless but they don’t know how to count so look what they did. I think, I was used, I became so good amd full of patience, I was bloodsucked by the bloodsuckers. 😂

( But at least, I have friends here. Oh yes, that’s you guys! 🙂 )

Anyway, I never opposed them ’cause I know I’m smarter, I want to look matured and literate so I never spoke then, that’s it. Let ’em hit themselves with their own knives.

Saturday | July 14,2018

| 7:37 AM |

Let’s be back to blogging ? Shall we ?

Oh ! I’m celebrating my blogging monthsary this late again but there’s a lot of excuses why I wasn’t able to write and yah, school 😂

This celebration is expected to be opened this past 6th of July, that’s the first Friday of this month that already passed. Wow ! I’ve never realized I’m already halfway there, 5 months of writing, fun, and happiness. 🙂

So what are the achievements I reached inside that 5 months ? Honestly, they’re numerous and I can’t tell them one by one but there are some highlights I’d love to let you guys know.

So, I already published my 122 written works /post ! They performed so well and I’ve never expected that my traffic would increase and boom that’s why I’m super happy for the unending love and support that my co-bloggers give to me. I’m so blessed because of them.

As of now I still work with my traffic and try to increase it by encouraging those people to visit it even those who are not bloggers, I uses Pinterest as my social-media platform ’cause it’s easy to use and it really works. Really reliable and functional and now, I already have 6.5k monthly viewers. If you guys also want to use it as a platform for your blog but wonderin’ how, just tell me and I’ll help you. 🙂

Gosh! Luck really comes by waiting. When I was just a starter, I am really dreaming of being nominated on different awardings and being tagged here in blogosphere but because I’m new, I never got them easily so I said to myself that I should wait ’cause everything would come at the right time and they did. I recieved 8 awards and 4 tags, here they are:

The awards :

The versatile blogger award

The mystery blogger award

The Liebster Award | 1st Liebster

The Blogger Recognition Award

The Global Aussie’s Liebster Award | 2nd Liebster

The Real Neat Blog Award

The Sunshine Blogger Award

The Liebster Award | 3rd Leibster

The tags :

3 Days, 3 Quotes tag ( Day 1, Day 2, Day 3 )

The Self Love Tag

The Social Media Blog Tag

The Get to Know Me Tag

Looking at the stats, we gathered :

I got 6,581 views, 2,614 visitors, 3,377 likes, and 803 comments. Wow people, thank you so so much ! 🙂

The countries :

Wow ! My blog traveled lots of different places. Can’t believe it.

Look ups :

I am expecting nothing and I will only continue blogging ’cause I know that more and more good things are coming my way 🙂

I honestly want to redesign my blog and even though I recently changed my theme and my blog look as well, I think there’s something better that I can do for it. And with that redesigning, I’ll also add new aesthetics for my life updates posts and make things uniform to look cleaner.

Now that I reached this 5th month of blogging, I decided to stop writing posts for every of my monthsaries, I’ll just then mark my calendar and once I already hit 1 year in blogosphere, I’ll be celebrating again together with you guys.

Halfway, halfway, halfway. Just 5 months more and my blogiversary is to come, I’m really excited and I can’t wait to post something special for that. Really can’t.

Let’s talk(?)

How’s life?

What do you think about my little plans?

You can also help me make things better by dropping a comment and tell me your beautiful thoughts. Always.

Thanks for joining me! 🙂


Get to Know Me Tag | 4th Tag


Hey peeps! How do y’all do?

It’s been five days since I published my latest blog post (here), and I’ve been so blind about what’s happening here in our community, my second home. But at least ,I’m finally writing again.

So I was tagged by this amazing blogger named Kranti from sparkklingthoughts. I’m very much thankful to her and I know that I’d be doing this sooo late ’cause it came weeks ago (sighs)

“ Hey Kranti! Thank you so much for this, I really appreciated it and I know I’ll be in great pleasure doing it 😃 ”

Let’s come with the rules:

  1. Thank the Person Who Nominated You
  2. Provide a Link to their Website
  3. Answer the “Get To Know Me” Questions
  4. Nominate 10-15 Bloggers.
  5. Pass on the Same 10 Questions ( With an additional of 2 of yours, if you wish

Alright, now with the questions:

1. What does your name mean?

-In Urban Dictionary on google, here’s what my name means:

Oh! I don’t know if that things are true or some piece of jokes. 😂

Well, it’s Mark and I alone gave it a meaning, for me it’s to leave people with things they’ll never forget. If they gave me pain, then I’ll leave them scars but if they gave me happiness then I’ll give them lasting memories.

2. Are you scared of heights?

-Yes but specifically no, I’m afraid of falling 🙂

3. What is your best physical feature?

-I love everything about myself ’cause it’s what I’m composed of. Everything has to be accepted.

4. What is your favorite Music Genre?

-Unquestionably, Pop but I also love those mellow songs about heartbreaks because they really put me and my mind in comfort. Well, they also make me cry. 🙂

5. Are you a good cook?

-Yes, I guess. Cooking is one of the things I love doing the most, if you haven’t asked, well you haven’t.

6. What is your favorite Ice-cream flavor?

-Chocolate, doubtlessly but it sometimes too sweet so I’d prefer either strawberry or mango as a substitute.

7. Do you have any allergies?

-None, so far I’ve never experienced being attacked by any allergy.

8. What is your favorite festival?

-I usually don’t attend ’em but they’re all celebrated with happiness so I would love attending it all.

9. Which of your parents do you look like?

-My father.

10. Who is your favorite Musician?

-Don’t you guys still know until now. Taylor Swift of course. 🙂

My two additional questions :

• (Not a question) How’s life now? Tell us a story. Express it all.

• What are the reasons why you cry?

It was really fun doing this tag and as usual, I want to pass that fun to all of you guys so yes, random nomination (again). To whoever reading this, you’re nominated! Just leave me a comment to let me know that you’re doing this.😃

It’s nice to be back and interacting with you all again people, as always. (Sending hugs and kisses)

Thanks for joining me! 🙂


Devil in Me


It’s always there, it’s always around.

I feel like he’s sticked with my feet.

Brute.

He never want to get away from me. No, he will never do.

He’s faceless, you won’t see any beauty nor ugliness.

He’s emotionless, you won’t see any happiness nor sadness.

It’s shady. All darkness.

But my madness and hatred for them empowers him.

I can’t trace any smirk. And it laughed, indignantly.

Drastically. It laughed for me.

His black heart and messed up soul are full of putrid memories.

Treacherous.

I now know. It’s not my shadow either.

’cause he’s my hidden self.

‘Cause it’s the devil in me.


A Real Escape


Maybe, it’s the right time to stop.

Maybe, it’s the right time to close my eyes.

I’ll now give my mind and my heart it’s rest.

It’s my time of escaping from reality.

My soul will run away and this worst feeling will be gone.

Suddenly and temporarily.


Misconception


I was so confused lately. Messed up. I don’t know what I feel. I couldn’t predict my heart and I couldn’t read my mind. The same question played and tricked me day and night, Do I still love you ? Quitely no, not at all but I was too wrong, I thought, I gave the exact and accurate answer to myself but I didn’t.

I can’t let go of the pain but ’til when ? Until when I’ll be carrying this and add to my burdens ? Once I totally forgot you ? There’s a lot of certain questions that need your responses. I am so frustrated by this, I am so fractured. I can’t understand why there’s really no tears but your name is still the callings. It’s you, you’re the person in every beat of my heart. It’s you, the reason of this ache, ’til now.

Saw you on picture and I found it all out. Saw what I’ve written on a page of my note and I felt the chills. Still can’t get over, still can’t move forward. When is this time I’ll get myself. Again ?

I’m exhausted by all of my pieces. I’m tired of using my pen and paper and grief and ideas and words. Should I now stop ? ‘Cause I’m drowning if you haven’t ask.

The confusion was over, you’re still my world and I’m still the stranger of your life.

That’s it, that’s only it.