Power of Music


It sings for my ears. But it talks to my heart. It shakes me by my fears. And shoots me like board of a dart.

It brings back all the memories. And wakes me up of things I can’t find. It’s not my happiness. Why I feel like I’m blind?

But I don’t want to stop this melancholy. Even though I am so trap. I’d rather burst totally. Instead of fooling myself by bluff.

Lyrics is heartache. Tune is heartbreak. My emotion is not fake. My mind is in earthquake.

It’s painful. It’s kinda tragic. It’s playful. The power of music.


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Bare Feet Gal


Rain was falling as she stare on the window.

She stepped into the soaked road and grasses with bare feet,

Her hair, her whole body got wet.

She walked as she hugs herself in the coldness.

She cried, freely. Nobody could see the tears.

She ran and ran, pursuing the way to escape.

She danced, unpredictably. Nobody could see her moves.

And looking up, she watched the clouds go lighter as the rain falls heavier.

Her feet, her hands, her eyes was washed.

Grief and despair was gone.

Suddenly. She’s done with the pain.

Finally. Her heart and memory. The sky was clean.


Scatter it, Eyes


There are times when I come home and the sky is dark, gloomy as me, the place is quite. I would change my clothes and then leave my school works undone, I would lay in my bed and think of nothing, empty. Though I make everything alright, I still feel so heavy inside like I’m carrying an unknown burden.

Then my mind will start to play past memories that would make me smile, laugh a little, and whisper something slow to my pillow. And he’s appearance would flash fast, and I’ll be quite again, my heart would beat so fast, and my breath will experience shortage. As he entered, my mind would ask a lot of whys , “ Why do I have to met you? ” “Why Am I like this. And why are you like that? ” “Why I can’t tell you about my bleeding self? ” And I would get no replies, no certain answers.

He’s just my dream and I’m only a dreamer, maybe he exist but for him I don’t, maybe he’s just a fiction, or maybe he’s just part my imaginations. I don’t want to be realistic, I don’t want to tell myself and God that one day I’ll forget about him, that one day I’ll let him and my feelings go ’cause I honestly don’t want to do that. But it’s a sad reality that today I’m broken, and tomorrow I’ll fall in love again with a stranger, and that person is not him anymore.

At the moment, I feel so torn inside but I’m frost. Nothing comes out in my eyes, no tears. I want to express my pain but how if I can’t cry. I really can’t. The weight inside me is trapped, it don’t want to show, it don’t want to leave me.

This ain’t a fairytale. No, this isn’t. I’m just hopeless. I’m just a fragile and broken glass.

So Scatter it, eyes.


To Mr. Wanderer


It’s 9:00 , I don’t know why I’m writing this for you but I’ll continue. I only want to say that I’m listening to music and yes, they’re about heartbreaks same to what I feel right now. 9:00 PM, the rain is falling, my heart is in ache, I’m scattering tears, I’m crying, and it’s because of you. Well, I’m not blaming you either ’cause I know that it’s all my fault and I’m the blameworthy in here not you, absolutely not.

I’m hiding my eyes from them, hoping not to be seen, not to be caught. But later, once the lights are out and they are asleep, I’ll burst again like what happened to me the last night. Your name will echo again in my mind over and over. My pillow will be soaked again. And my nighttime will be taken by sadness.

I don’t know why it is like this. I honestly don’t. I know I’m still too young but I feel so messed up, I feel so vain, so trap. I feel the same emotion when I stare at your pictures. Why would I dream of a person who don’t even know me? Why would I fall in love with someone who can never love me back? I know, I know that nobody will love me though. I’m unworthy.

I once wished that you could also feel what I feel, that you could realize my pain, that you could get yourself in this extreme sadness of mine. And that won’t happen. Never ever.

I wrote a lot already and I won’t stop ’til I got tired, ’til I know I’m empty, and ready to let you go. I hope one day you can read them for me. I hope one day you’ll do.

But let me be happy for you instead. I heard you’re in Hong Kong today, and I know you’re enjoying your moments there. Fulfill yourself, okay? And I will always be around as someone whom you don’t know. Someone who truly cares… Mr. Wanderer.


Lunacy


You’re my smiles and you’re my tears.

You’re my laughs and you’re my shouts.

You’re my happiness and you’re my sadness.

By contradictions.

You’ve been a sweet honesty,

But all that, turned into perfectly pretty, beautiful lies.

You came as I was in emptiness but you left me alone, still trap darkness.

And now I’m Insane…

And you’re my insanity.

Yet you don’t know.


A Real Escape


Maybe, it’s the right time to stop.

Maybe, it’s the right time to close my eyes.

I’ll now give my mind and my heart it’s rest.

It’s my time of escaping from reality.

My soul will run away and this worst feeling will be gone.

Suddenly and temporarily.


Is it the Time of Letting Go?


In my heavy breathing. I can’t see clear, I cant think veraciously, again. I’m facing the outside as I feel the weekend breeze, looks like time really moved so fast.

Why it seems like I don’t miss you anymore? There’s no known answer but I know that maybe, I only learned and it entered my mind that being with you is impossible.

After how many proses that I wrote for you, well finally, I think I’ll be giving it an ending yet. This will be the last, will it be? Oh, I don’t know. I don’t know where is this going as I write with random ideas, with unpicked kinds.

Did I just cry for you?

Did I only destructed myself?

I maybe fell going down to my illusions and overreacting emotions. It’s my sickness of over thinking.

Maybe, my heart forgets. Should I now let you go? ’cause I think I’m empty, ’cause I think my feelings was gone, ’cause I think I’m tired already.

I can’t appreciate you anymore, Can’t really I?

No more tears. No more pain. But at least, my mind is still confuse.

5:36 PM

All I know, is nothing.

All I know, I created a messy wrote of narrative with brevity. For you. For myself. For my freedom.


Whirlwind


I had my amnesia from the past, ’til you came and I saw your smile again. Damn, you look familiar. Then I remember every single thing. You’re the person I loved for years, reason why I cried for years, and had a long nights having you there in my heart.

I can still remember that rainy Saturday when I realized that I have feelings for you but it seems to be blurry now. Two years ago, I could still see myself sadly disappointed, blaming it, and broken. Those times that I would message you repeatedly and I’d know that you’re already annoyed and I’ll feel like I’m much of being an attention-seeker. Those scenes of me inside the class glancing at you at the back and would take it away once you caught me then figure out again your face. It’s still in my mind, the first picture of you I saved and the picture I always stare at whenever I open my phone which also causes me that blended feelings inside.

You reminded me of the time you started about that mystery girl of yours and I was wonderin’ the whole time you’re keeping it a secret, I got myself into obsession with her but then you revealed. The moment you said you’re up on the roof, sad because of someone else. And I ,worrying so much. Those words from you when you called her your princess and my heart was pounded and devastated into tiny fragments, disintegrated.

I could recall the moment when she answered “Yes” and you would stand there in front of me with that glowing face. Those moments that I would see how you wait and send her home every afternoon after class, how the both of you look like with smiling faces and me, torn.

Why you treated me like that?

Why did you have to break my bones?

Why you have to be a part of my downfall?

I can’t think of reasons why I repeatedly broke my own heart and gave it slit. But at least, I learned how to be smarter, I stitched it. Now, I can see you standing tall there under the shed and I’ll watch you like that. Now, I’ll look at you without any shame and with feelings of emptiness. You’re like a photo taken in black and white, you should be totally forgotten. But you’ve been a part of me antecedently and it can’t be change by ease.

And I only want to tell, if I’ll tears again, well that’s definitely not because of you. I will never be that old self again, so if you’re trying to be back, you’re not welcome anymore.


Love, pain, and Rain


“ Be careful. Don’t let your pen puke it’s ink out. Don’t let it rule you and your words. ”

Here I am again, writing for things that bothers my mind and play my days. I’m wonderin’, why do I keep on writing? Why do I keep on expressing myself and my inner secrets through my words? No definite answer, I just want to do it ’cause all I know is that it opens up my heart to speak about my grief from it’s depth and barriers.

So, I chose to tell it but I saw that I was too wrong for letting my temptation overtake me and my mind. He’s the third person to know about my reality, my sickness, and weakness. It’s a very shameful confession, Did I just do it? Am I awakened in this nightmare? Or I only picked up darkness? I don’t know.

I thought that the game was over but it’s keeping me and I can’t get out. You’re still the person that runs inside my mind and makes my heart to beat fast when I’m listening to mellow, heartbreak songs. I keep on saying your name, I keep on staring at your pictures, Waiting.

This won’t last forever. One day, I’ll realize that you’re not anymore in me, you’re not anymore this destruction. I’ll be out from this but I’ll keep and keep on writing and dedicating it to you so you’ll know how it feels like to love and be unloved. I’ll be out from this pitiful self, paper will lost it’s last page and finding no more space, pens will be inkless and this will be over. Things will be blurry.

At this dark moment, nothing will change, not me, not you, not my feelings for you ’til time will turn and we’ll be new faces again. Memories will remain but my heart will totally forget, bleeding will stop.

This is not any aesthetics, but rain. For countless days, I again will sleep in bed of sadness and despair but with cold feet and hands caused by night breeze, eyes of dryness.


[L]ove, pain, and [A]esthetics


Honestly, I don’t know how to start, I dont know what should be my words. Am I just making this for you or for myself ? I’m not sure if I’ll successfully craft this narrative prose out but all I know is that I want to unlock this trapped weight inside and express it out. I’m not sure cause nothing is sure, all I’ll do is try.

Can I just tell you that I am always in loneliness, I exactly know how my days run and how I look for my space, that I am always with my drowsy feeling, with my teary eyes, with my writing hand, with my fractured heart ?

Then I met you, never know what’s this dumb thing I’m lighting up again but I continue and I do. My dark times are usually spend thinking of you, nights are full of silence. Your beautiful voice, It’s like you’re a sad song in my mind that keeps on playing and giving my body chills. I can’t see anything but you, I love that eyes, that hair which is obviously soft to touch , that teeth of yours seeming cute, and that smile of perfection. Who are you to me? And who am I to you?

All I know is that you’re a Filipino-Italiano, you’re a model, you’re a Youtube Vlogger, you contain lots of positive and unique qualities. Don’t you know that I love your wanderer side?

Don’t you know that I always wait for your tweets?

Don’t you know that I even read your blog done from year 2013?

Don’t you know that I love your complete name and used it to my little stuff?

What makes you so wonderful?

I got tired of saving your 2093 photos on my phone, Have you ever told me to do that? You didn’t, my mind abruptly answers. I am sick and I’m trying to overcome it. I memorized the path and I’m walking to it now.

I, I am just nothing but a hopeless stranger poisoned with stupidity. I felt missing and I have no idea why is it like this, it’s devastating me. I know where it’ll lead, to better heartbreak I guess cause you’ll never walk and travel the same path I’m talking about. Someday, you’ll find that perfect match and I shall be happy, I don’t and I will never hold any right to dictate things to you. It says that If you love a person, then value his happiness not yourself.

You’re in the middle of shining on me but soon, you’ll set and I hope another sun will shine, and I wish that it will be you again.

I’m still thinking if I’ll let you know about this wrote or not, why would I ? Or why wouldn’t I ?

You’re my written calligraphy, this is done to let you know that you’re important and you’re a part of my life. I hope you’ll be reading this… And at that time, my heart will be free from pretends and denial.