Rain was falling as she stare on the window.
She stepped into the soaked road and grasses with bare feet,
Her hair, her whole body got wet.
She walked as she hugs herself in the coldness.
She cried, freely. Nobody could see the tears.
She ran and ran, pursuing the way to escape.
She danced, unpredictably. Nobody could see her moves.
And looking up, she watched the clouds go lighter as the rain falls heavier.
Her feet, her hands, her eyes was washed.
Grief and despair was gone.
Suddenly. She’s done with the pain.
Finally. Her heart and memory. The sky was clean.
Why do we need to fall in love if it brings nothing but pain?
If it brings heavy weight to carry?
If it leads to late nights of crying and tears?
If it locks us in a cage of hidden feelings and darkness?
Why do we need to fall in love and be broken?
To be torn?
To be hurt?
To be alone?
Why do we need to fall in love with the person who can never love us back?
And believe at things which ain’t true?
And look at the most impossible possibilities?
And think of chances that will never ever come?
Why do we need to fall in love for no good reason?
Why to fall for nothing?
There are times when I come home and the sky is dark, gloomy as me, the place is quite. I would change my clothes and then leave my school works undone, I would lay in my bed and think of nothing, empty. Though I make everything alright, I still feel so heavy inside like I’m carrying an unknown burden.
Then my mind will start to play past memories that would make me smile, laugh a little, and whisper something slow to my pillow. And he’s appearance would flash fast, and I’ll be quite again, my heart would beat so fast, and my breath will experience shortage. As he entered, my mind would ask a lot of whys , “ Why do I have to met you? ” “Why Am I like this. And why are you like that? ” “Why I can’t tell you about my bleeding self? ” And I would get no replies, no certain answers.
He’s just my dream and I’m only a dreamer, maybe he exist but for him I don’t, maybe he’s just a fiction, or maybe he’s just part my imaginations. I don’t want to be realistic, I don’t want to tell myself and God that one day I’ll forget about him, that one day I’ll let him and my feelings go ’cause I honestly don’t want to do that. But it’s a sad reality that today I’m broken, and tomorrow I’ll fall in love again with a stranger, and that person is not him anymore.
At the moment, I feel so torn inside but I’m frost. Nothing comes out in my eyes, no tears. I want to express my pain but how if I can’t cry. I really can’t. The weight inside me is trapped, it don’t want to show, it don’t want to leave me.
This ain’t a fairytale. No, this isn’t. I’m just hopeless. I’m just a fragile and broken glass.
So Scatter it, eyes.
You’re my smiles and you’re my tears.
You’re my laughs and you’re my shouts.
You’re my happiness and you’re my sadness.
You’ve been a sweet honesty,
But all that, turned into perfectly pretty, beautiful lies.
You came as I was in emptiness but you left me alone, still trap darkness.
And now I’m Insane…
And you’re my insanity.
Yet you don’t know.
You’re screaming but they can’t hear.
You’re drowning but they can’t descry.
With people in hideous,
No one cares about your tears.
No one cares about your cries.
No one cares about your pain.
Only you and you can save yourself away from that distress.
In my heavy breathing. I can’t see clear, I cant think veraciously, again. I’m facing the outside as I feel the weekend breeze, looks like time really moved so fast.
Why it seems like I don’t miss you anymore? There’s no known answer but I know that maybe, I only learned and it entered my mind that being with you is impossible.
After how many proses that I wrote for you, well finally, I think I’ll be giving it an ending yet. This will be the last, will it be? Oh, I don’t know. I don’t know where is this going as I write with random ideas, with unpicked kinds.
Did I just cry for you?
Did I only destructed myself?
I maybe fell going down to my illusions and overreacting emotions. It’s my sickness of over thinking.
Maybe, my heart forgets. Should I now let you go? ’cause I think I’m empty, ’cause I think my feelings was gone, ’cause I think I’m tired already.
I can’t appreciate you anymore, Can’t really I?
No more tears. No more pain. But at least, my mind is still confuse.
All I know, is nothing.
All I know, I created a messy wrote of narrative with brevity. For you. For myself. For my freedom.
Here I am again in my lonely world, finding some console while playing and lending my ears to lullaby ditties which weakens my body and makes me drowsy.
The tone flashes back all the things that hurted me and the lyrics talks and asks me to be stronger and to be better everyday.
I can feel the weight inside and the feeling in my heart, I guess my eyes will never be dry.
As I’m thinking deeply, someone showed up. What I can see is a messy persona, that the eyes are irritated and reddish, that the hair wasn’t brushed and the face is gloomy.
I watched the tears fall and had a long look on the unbrilliant visage and countenance. I look down on the lips, I can see that it tries to bend a little and form a shape of happiness ,it tries to smile on me. The persona that I can see encourages me to never give up and carry it all but I think, I can’t anymore take it, I can’t anymore pretend to be alright, I can’t anymore prove that I’m strong ’cause I’m tired.
I give one more look and there I saw myself. I realized that it was me whom I can see and had a look on.
I remember, I stood up and face myself in the mirror, tried to lift it all up.
I changed my mind and decided to keep on going a little more.
I’m a broken glass, I’m a forgotten picture, I’m a calligraphy written on old piece of paper and throwed to fire.
I fall in love but never been catched, like the petals of a scented thorny Rose that dried on the ground , like a bird shot by gun of hunter and never seen, like rotten fruit that soon faded. I know that life isn’t a fairytale, where I can ride my white horse, know and love you, and be loved back also. But still I’m trying to think that one day our curvy paths will cross and our eyes will meet though there’s just a little possibility.
Out of billion number of people ,one of them will be mine and one of them will own me but is it to lame for you to realize that I’m wishing it would be you? Maybe it is and that gives me pain I can never burst out.
You’re the person I’m thinking while listening to heartbreak songs I’m playing over and over again, it’s your face I’m staring at night in the light of my phone, it’s you who’s I’m asking for at every blinking star that I could see at the darkness of sky and you’re the tears I’m always keeping inside.
Every sunshine isn’t new hope cause for me it’s just again a new suffering from the truth that you’re meant for someone else better.
My heart has a knife that give it wounds and it’s only you who can let it out and heal by your soft stitches.
Your name is the most beautiful word I would always love to hear, and that’s also the reason for my bleeding. You’re my hidden message, and you’re the reason why I keep on writing. I hope someday you’ll read ’em all and remember.